Sometimes in order for healing to take place a wound needs to be opened up again to clean to remove once unseen debris, left behind that had caused it to fester, even after some healing had taken place. That’s what the month of September and the first week of October felt like.

My daughter had her children removed from her home, custody of the older two was given to their dad and the youngest was given to my husband and I. Thoughts and feelings of being an inadequate mother causing my daughter to not to be able to parent her own children adequately, weighed heavy on my heart. Truthfully, I know I gave her the tools. She just needed to pick them up and use them. I have always stood by her and was willing to hold her up, but she refused to stand on her own. I can’t hold her up and make her walk. I have cleared the path for so many times, but she refused to walk it.

It’s time to stop telling God, “I’m letting her go and giving her to You. You love her more than I ever could and only You can lead her in the direction You’re calling.” If she would only stand and walk. Just do it!

So here we are (my husband and I) taking in only a quarter of the income we once had so I can be a stay at home G’ma and give our grandson a better chance at life. Hopefully giving my daughter time to get herself together for good. This isn’t the first time she has had to walk down this road. There are many issues she needs to face, address, accept, and overcome.

We figured after our 40 Days we took off in between jobs, we would come back into the workforce making about half of what we made. We didn’t need as much money to to pay bills as our house and car are now paid off. However, taking in a two year old and making much less than planned is quite difficult!!

Shortly after making changes we never saw coming, my dad dies and it impacted me harder than expected. Perhaps it wasn’t so much mourning his death as it was mourning the love of an earthly father I never had. That was followed by my faithful and trustworthy dog dying. In that same week, my mom got T-boned and totaled her truck, but she was completely unharmed! Life is precious and we mustn’t take it for granted, our own or the lives of others.

So, I’m here looking at my life seeing how far I’ve come in the relationship with my dad. I’ve let go of the hurt, pain, and anger I harbored in my heart for decades due to past abuse. It’s replaced by the love of Jesus allowing me to forgive. Even love him enough, to go see him last year and tell him so. I only pray that in his last days he finally stopped trying to fight his demons and gave in to the love of Christ.

While I look at my daughter and the traits she seems to carry with her, I see reflections of my shortcomings when she was much younger, the attitudes and mannerisms of my sister who died in her brokenness, and the hardness of my mothers guarded heart. All I see in her are things I can not fix or make better. My heart breaks over her choice to stay in her brokenness or only work on it long enough to get what she wants. I need to stay reminded that she belongs to God before she belongs to me and it is only through Him that she’ll find her freedom!

Upon hearing of my mother’s accident, the fear that she too could be gone at any time is almost unbearable. Our relationship since my sister’s death two years ago has grown as well as my understanding of her and the why behind her life choices.

Chains bind you and chains connect you. Chains are heavy and weigh you down. We are not called to walk in chains, carrying our past or the past of our ancestors.

“He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces.”

Psalms 107:14 NKJV

To add to it all, the emotions stirred up by loosing my dog of almost 14 years old. She was so loved and loved her family well! It’s incredible how a dog’s love is so unconditional! My husband believes I’m too hard on myself. But she was definitely a better dog daughter than I was a dog mom. In the end, she seemed to hold on for so long just for me. It’s that type of unconditional love Jesus showed for us and we are called to show to others. Maybe that’s why God created dogs. No human ever shows the type of dedication and love to one another as a dog does. They don’t seem to hold grudges or get easily offended. In the end she seemed more worried about me in her leaving than the pain she must have been enduring.

With all these emotions, heartache and financial uncertainty swirling around, I have been drawn to the 23rd Psalm, especially the first three verses. It is packed with encouragement to go on each day!

My husband deals with incredible chronic pain due to psoriatic arthritis which causes him to rethink how to do daily activities that can become painfully difficult. Being the soul breadwinner of the family, weighs on him like heavy chains. The burden and weight of being the only provider, not by choice, adds more pressures that can only be relieved by Jesus, The Ultimate Provider. Who not only provides resources, he provides rest in quiet safe places. God’s economy is much different than ours! All the while Holy Spirit is continuing to build our testimony of relying on Him and glorifying His name.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.”

Psalms 23:1-3 NLT

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.”

Psalms 23:1-3 NKJV

People have rose up and given us clothes and toys for our grandson, they have brought meals and kidnapped my grandson and I to get outside and enjoy something other than what we were living in.

God has pulled me outside a few times in the past few weeks to get out in His creation enjoying the outdoors to connect with Him as I connect with my grandson. I’m thankful that I live in such a place, I do t have to go far to soak in His glory!

He is reminding me to look outside of myself. I/ we have all we need. Our little shop along with my husband’s hard work at the hardware store is paying off and we are managing to pay bills. I don’t know how long the cash flow will last, especially as winter comes. Our shop isn’t a type of place people visit much in the winter months. I have trust we will be okay, even when I can’t see what it will look like.

BUT GOD… He is showing me that with Him, I (we) have all that we need. Again, God’s economy is different from the world’s. He began really making that point during our our recent “40 Day” journey He called us to. The lesson He showed us, over and over again, was that He provides! If he will provide while on the road soaking in the beauty of His creation, why wouldn’t He show up on the “day to day?”

We have everything we need and we need not worry past today.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:34 NKJV

““So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Matthew 6:34 NLT

While we continue rely on Him there is more to the ongoing lesson: Hold expectations loosely, let them go when asked to. The expectations of our situation, of others, and the expectations we have for the lives of our grandchildren. All we can do is Live in the moment and trust solely in Him as he guides us along the path of righteousness.

Oh there will be valleys like right now. It is through the valleys that we gain strength and traction. The mountain tops give us a larger view of His beauty and how far we’ve come. It is through journey along the still waters, the rest in the green pastures and yes even through the valleys no matter how dark they get, we are learning to trust in Him and the comfort and protection He offers. We’re not in this alone!! As long as we keep moving forward no chains can hold us down and keep us in the dark places. The “Good Shepherd” will guide us and walk along side us allowing us to stand even when evil comes near.

“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”

Psalms 23:4 NLT

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

Psalms 23:4 NKJV

My hope and future reside in the breaker if chains and the one who leads me, even through the dark places!